Day Seven - Drunk, Tanked

Day Seven -

Okay so I'm really drunk.

I also couldn't find the… fucking… recorder thing. The microphone. I know the ship has on board mics in every room but fuck that, I like my private until I die journals being private and you gotta speak up for the in room microphones.

I canst stop giggling, and I feel bad about that. I went down to see Elliot. His frozen insectoid face was there waiting for me, just visible through the frost covered glass. I told him I had a nightmare.

It was pretty bad.

I shot that fucking bug in the space station when I rescued Lily from slavery. That fuckin bug who collapsed my lung and shot my arm with a laser.

What a prick.

But in this nightmare I was right there, and it wasn't the bug I shot. When I popped up it was Elliot, and he fuckin skittered up to me and stood over me as I died and told me that it was my fault. It was my fault he died. I killed a bunch of men and I was just a psychopath.

I can't stop crying.

Elliot, you always told me that this is a cold ugly universe and if someone shoots at me I have the right to shoot back. They were gonna hurt me, Elliot.

Lily woke up and she was sleepy. She tried to tell me I couldn't be sad because it was her fault. I was already pretty drunk at that point. I sat at the bar with her pouring me drinks, Elliot. She listened to me cry about what a monster I am. She listened to me talk about you raising me after mom… died.

Hard to type. Glass of whiskey in my hand. Cig in my mouth. Youd be disappointed Elliot.

I told her about how great of a dad you were. I told her how you taught me to fight and stuff. She said you sounded wonderful.

Elliot, I always came to you when I was lost.

Now I've killed a mess of people and I don't know if I can keep doing this. Is this what I have to do to get you home? Is this what being an independent pilot is?

I hate expensive bars. I ain't never goin to a expensive bar again Elliot. I'll do what I gotta do, I'll go placed I don't wanna go, but I ain't gonna play at being a rich person again.

Lily's like…

Ten feet away.

She's in my bed. I have vague memories of having sex, but I just don't know for sure. I know I'm going to go pass out with here soon because she smells nice and she's warm and that's all I can think about. I just want to hold someone and feel like I did good.

I had a choice, Elliot.

They wouldn't have killed her if I'd left her there. Maybe hurt her but not killed her. I… I didn't have to kill all those men. Maybe some survived, but looking at my gun's camera, I'm pretty sure at least five are dead.

You always said 'Little woman, you gotta know. You're gonna have to make a choice every time you pull the trigger.'

It was so easy to make that choice. So damned easy. I just pulled the trigger and killed them.

I'm afraid, Elliot. Afraid I'm going to wind up just like my dad.

Now that I say that, I realize I ain't even sure what he was like.

I'm sorry, Elliot.

I'm so sorry if I'm disappointing you. I'm just trying to do whatever I can.

Just trying to do what's right.

Write more tomorrow when I'm sober. Or record more. Hell if I know. Lily's gonna need training and I ain't sure what to train her in. Is she a killer like me? I ain't sure.